Share this, or the Granny gets it…..

Share this, or the Granny gets it…..

You know what I hate?  Grandma.  Yep, according to one of those annoying memes, I want dear old Granny to die because I refused to share an image on social media.

Grandma Image

Who the hell comes up with a message like that?!  I know I’m a little bit weird (OK, the “little bit” is a slight under estimation), but even I’m not weird enough to say “if you don’t share a picture of my grandma, yours will DIE!”  What the actual fuck?

This has led me to think of those annoying memes that are often seen on news feeds everywhere.  Who the hell came up with the idea of them and what purpose do they serve?  “Share if you love your daughter” Of course I love my daughter but, if I’m going to declare it on social media, I’m going to do so using AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF HER instead of a character that’s probably based on the artists own child!
Daughter Image
Here’s one for the grandparents:
Grandkids
Of course you love your Grandkids as you don’t have to live with them!  Deep down, you’re probably laughing your tits off at your own children as you watch them bring up their “little darlings”.
What’s next for these memes though?  Maybe a lovely photograph of your pet with “Share if your dog killed next door’s rabbit” written over it or even “Share if you you’re grateful your husband has a blog as it saves him talking bollocks to me” over no image at all as you couldn’t even be arsed to look for one.
They are completely pointless, you might as post this…….
Croc Wet
Yep, that really is a potato in a Croc!
These memes must be stopped.  On the “Annoying Scale” they are right up there with going to a restaurant and taking a picture of your food as soon as the waiter brings it out!
Rant over.  Thanks for reading.
A Grumpy Man.
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Space – An Apology

Space – An Apology

OK, I’ll admit it, there are certain things that I have a slight case of OCD about, for example:

  • Not only do my CDs have to go in alphabetical order, they also need to be in chronological order of album release
  • The free weights, core bags and medicine balls at the gym have to be placed in order of size
  • When I fly, I have to have a bottle of water, chewing gum and a sick bag – despite never being sick on a flight!
  • Marvel and DC Comic DVDs should not be mixed up on the shelf

There are more, but I am beginning to look a bit weird now!

One thing that I have missed off is that, on this blog, the paragraphs should be evenly spaced out. There needs to be space!  Space is important.

For some reason, the template that I chose for my page, seemed to bunch the text together. It’s looked awful so, to you dear reader, I apologise.  I have now changed template and adjusted various settings to ensure that there is a gap between paragraphs.

Thanks for reading this small, trivial, update but it was doing my head in.  I’m now off to have some sweets.

Sweets

Bye

 

Injured again but I know what’s wrong; it’s a glass eye called Derek.

Injured again but I know what’s wrong; it’s a glass eye called Derek.
As some of you may have noticed, I’ve recently started road running again.  I like running in the winter as it’s more of a battle of the mind to actually leave the warmth and comfort of home and get out in the cold, wind and rain for a few miles.  However, now it’s Spring, there is no other feeling of freedom that running in the sun gives you. It’s addictive.
For a few weeks now, at the start of my runs, I’ve been feeling a slight pain in my left knee, but have always just thought “It’ll be fine, just run through it.”  The pain died down and all was dandy.  The following day there’s been a slight niggle, but I thought nothing of it until the other day when I could barely stand up and was walking around like a zombie with a stick up my arse,
Today I feel like a need a wheelchair to move around and am tempted to sleep on the sofa tonight as the prospect of climbing the stairs without a Stannah stair lift is filling me with dread as those 13 steps might as well be Mount Everest.
I have come to the conclusion that I have damaged my Meniscus.  The main reason I think this, is all thanks to the Internet.  Yep, I’ve been one of those people who’ve typed in their symptoms into search engine and forgoing all medical training, can instantly arrive at the conclusion of what seems to be the problem!
While I was online, I thought I’d check some other ailments.  What I thought was hayfever, actually turns out to be Swine Flu, the fact that I can’t see in 3D is because I have a glass eye that once belonged to a magpie called Derek and the bad mood I’ve been in recently turns out to be that I’m Bi Polar.  Well, to be fair, that would explain a lot so there might be some truth in that one!
Anyway, aside from potentially bogus conditions, the upshot is that I can’t run until I get my knee checked out.  This sucks.  This really frikkin’ sucks.  I feel like a super hero, albeit, the slowest, weakest, fatest superhero that’s had their powers taken away.  I miss running already. The idea of spending all summer in a swimming pool isn’t filling me with joy right now.  I suppose I can still go to the gym and “work on my top half”, but will be careful not to end up like this guy…..
Muscles
I suppose I can get on my bike but, unless riding to/from a pub is involved, I’m just not a fan of cycling.  The other problem with cycling is I’m one of those drivers who curses the cyclist that’s holding up a line of traffic thinking “if you were a tractor, you’d have to pull over to let people past”  I don’t want that cyclist to be me!  Maybe I’m just going to have to deal with it, get on my bike, enjoy the sun and embrace the freedom!
Thanks for reading.
A Grumpy Man.

The Voices In Your Head

The Voices In Your Head
As many of you may know, a few months ago, I decided to step away from the biscuit tin, start trying to look after myself and get in shape.  I’ll be honest, things are going really slowly! My six pack still looks like a beer barrel and the “guns” are looking like pea shooters.  Don’t get me wrong, there has been some successes since joining to the gym, I’m sure the free weights have never been re-arranged in size order as much and, when I walk into the Reception area, I am now acknowledged with a friendly “Hello” instead of the staff talking amongst themselves!
Since the start of this journey though, one of the hardest battles hasn’t been physical, it’s been the psychological one.  These are the voices in your head that say “It’s cold and dark outside, take a night off”.  The voices that say “That’ll do, stop now”. The voices that say “All this effort and you’re still fat! Loser”.  I’ll admit, there have been times I’ve listened to the voices and have stopped half way through a session and given up or blamed things like the cold weather or a cough for not going out in the first place.
For every battle that’s lost though, there’s a battle that’s won.
Yesterday, I read a blog from sports journalist and Sky Sports presenter Anna Woolhouse.
Anna-Woolhouse-headshot_3291721
Her blog –  www.annawoolhouse.co.uk/#blog is all about breaking the gym routine and training outside.  I was inspired as I really needed a break from the gym routine and especially those thoughtful souls who sit on machines sending texts and emails between sets!  Why?!  Are you seriously that important?!  (I digress)   While I was happy to go out for a run, I thought I’d get my daughter involved and asked her if I should go for a run, swimming or to the gym.  She suggested swimming so swimming it was.
For starters, I don’t consider myself a strong swimmer at all.  My technique is all over the place and the furthest I have ever swam is 1,600 metres (1 mile).  I also haven’t been swimming for months so knew that it was going to be tough.  Or at least that’s what one voice inside my head wanted me to hear.  I thought back to Anna’s blog and, while I wasn’t training outside, I was making a change from the routine and I could therefore set my own goals and a 1 mile swim within the hour it was.
One mile in the pool is 64 lengths of a 25m pool.  As simple as it seems, counting to 64 when you’re swimming can be tricky. There are other people in your lane that you may need to talk to (never), they may talk to you (hope not) causing you to lose track. You may need to take a break or two, or you just lose concentration.
I had decided that nothing, but NOTHING was going to get in my way of swimming towards my target. I was a man on a mission. By the half way point though, I was getting tired and the voices were telling me to stop.  However, I remained focussed and carried on.  By the 50 length stage, I was beginning to hurt and my arms were feeling like lead. My legs had given up kicking.  Eventually though I got to what I thought was 64 lengths and, as I was still within time, I thought I’d swim 2 more, just to be on the safe side!  After those final lengths, cramp kicked in so a night was called.
When I received the results from the SwimTag watch, it turns out I did lose count.  I managed 70 lengths!  A total distance of 1,750 metres, a new PB!  I am already thinking that 2,000 metres is going to be the next target!
So what’s the point of this blog I here you ask?  To be honest, this one is to act more as a personal reminder,  not to listen to the negative voices or the doubters and don’t fear change.
Fear
If you’ve taken something from it to, I’m blessed.
Thanks for reading.
A Grumpy Man

Ratgate – What really happened

Diners in a Trowbridge Wetherspoon’s were left shocked when a rat “climbed up a man’s trouser leg” and ate a chip from his hand.  Firstly, you’re eating in a pub within company, you are not at a fast food chain, please use cutlery provided.
Secondly the rat “climbed up a trouser leg”?!  What, all of a sudden, Trowbridge has been secretly twinned with Springfield where small rodents really do climb trouser legs before stealing food?  How on Earth did it get past the ferret?
Rumours that the rat was actually running away from a cat wielding a golf club are so far unconfirmed.
Tom
Reportedly, upon seeing the potato eating rodent, one diner’s eye’s popped out from their head while another’s jaw hit the floor.
Jaw Drop
Thankfully, one customer offered to help rid the pest courtesy of the ACME dynamite they had packed.
Visitors to The Albany Palace were all asked to leave the premises for 30 minutes while the problem could be addressed.  Rumours of the rat being seen perusing the dessert menu and subsequently enjoying the Apple and Cinnamon Crumble in peace before leaving of its’ own accord have been strenuously denied by the Manager.
Credit of course has to be given towards the resilience of Trowbridge residents. One such diner has confirmed that seeing rats eating in the establishment won’t put her off and she’ll be “back with her children” very soon. Whether they go for the Ratatouille is unlikely though, oh come on, I had to get it in somewhere!
All in all, the rat up the leg story, does seem something of a tall (rats) tale.  I think I’ll pass on going in The Albany Palace though – just in case.

Axl, Do You Mind If I Call You Dorothy?

6th Annual Revolver Golden Gods Award Show - Show

So when I woke up this morning, I saw the rumours that have been flying around cyber-space for years and years have been confirmed – Guns n Roses are re-forming with Axl, Slash and Duff (not sure about Izzy or Stephen Adler/Matt Sorum).  One of the first things that entered my mind was……….Dorothy Barrett.

The period is 1988-1989, I am in the final years of school life and Dorothy Barrett is a major crush of mine.  She was tall, had hair the colour of an Autumn sunset and lived around the corner from me so, from time to time, we walked home together.  On these walks, I somehow managed to string a few nervous words together and “entertain” Dorothy in tales of whit and mirth (as they were known in the 80’s!) and I’d like to think she enjoyed our brief time together at the end of the school day.  However, despite the crush and ample opportunity, I never did find the courage to confess my feelings and ask Dorothy out.  Alas, school finished and she vanished from my life for good.

Bear with me, this ramble is going somewhere!

I never managed to see the original line up of Guns, however, from the only time I saw them at Download Festival 2006, (as mentioned in a previous ramble), they were somewhat disappointing as Axl can no longer command the stage like it was 1991.  However, despite all disappointment of Download, Axl’s occasional tantrums and, of course, his obligatory late stage arrival, I want to see more than ever!  And this is a problem.  It’s curiosity that is the driving emotion and,  in the same way I am curious to know what Dorothy Barrett is up to these days, I am sure she will not remember me or the walks we shared.  Seeing Axl struggle his way through songs that helped shaped me into the idiot I am today is just something that’s going to make me wish I stayed at home and put Appetite For Destruction on, closed my eyes and drifted back to times gone by.

By the way, if anyone knows Dorothy Barrett, tell her I said Hi!

Careful For What You Wish For…

This week, the long running saga of a Guns n Roses reunion seems to have gathered momentum with the dog walker of the second cousin of the barista who once served someone with a passing resemblance to Duff McKagen’s next door neighbour confirming that 2016 is going to be the year the the original line up will tour the world.
GnR
This may shock you dear reader but, in a way, I really hope this doesn’t happen………
No wait, come back!  Please let me explain.
It’s been nearly 30 years since Appetite For Destruction was released. And this is the problem.  The original line up is now 30 years older than your memory of them.  As such, your expectations of Axl running breathlessly around the stage oozing attitude like it was the late 80’s/Early 90’s are going to be tarnished forever when you discover he now gets out of breath climbing onto the drum riser. This is how he used to look………..
Axl Then
Fast forward to more recent times……
Axl Now
Forget “dancing with Mr Brownstone”, these days he’s more likely to go on a gentle stroll with him – and stop for a slice of cake at the halfway point.
Axl was also notorious for his tardy timekeeping, in some cases, he’d finally take to the stage 2 hours late.  When we were younger, this was just part of the show and added to the excitement.  If he’s late nowadays, it’s an inconvenience as you’re probably paying the baby sitter by the hour, have to be up early for work the next day or have to endure yet more Mexican Waves as people in the seats try to entertain themselves.
I know I am being a little harsh on Axl but, no matter how much you love Izzy, Duff, Stephen and Slash, very few people go to a gig to see the rhythm section!  Axl is a front man and therefore commands the stage and attention and, as I can testify from the Download set at 2006, he is a shadow of his former self with a vocal range that can only be described as “questionable”. Don’t get me wrong, he can still throw a strop with the best of them.  Unfortunately, in this current, squeaky clean, dull live music scene, the “best of them” for strops is Bieber.
As much as the songs still remain classics, 30 years is a long time.  Paradise City is now a shadow of its former self, derelict, full of charity shops, coffee houses or bookmakers and the once green grass has inevitably made way for pedestrianisation. My Michelle is no longer yours since she ran off with Marco, an Italian muscleman she met in the gym after you let the six pack turn into a barrel, Rocket Queen is now known as “Crazy Cat Lady” and Welcome To The Jungle is now what Ant and Dec say to Z-List celebrities.
Despite all this, if the rumours are true, of course I’m going to get tickets.  I’m just setting my expectation bar to a very low setting! You should too. See you there!
Sincerely,
A Grumpy Man